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Please help me with the severe dilemma in my mind. I am very distraught and cannot move forward until I make sense of this tragedy that happened in my life. My husband and I recently moved to New Jersey, which is right across the bridge from Philadelphia to be near his family. This is a move I was strongly against. Here's why. My husband was a strong alcoholic when I met him, coming from an alcholic family that lasted generations. He was in the Marines. I dated him for two years, which was a sin because he was married when I met him, but in a bad marriage. I wasnt saved at the time, had I been I never wouldve dated him regardless. After dating for two years we both went to church. I was a backslider. My husband had never been saved before. When my grandmother died my husband had the desire to go to church and we did and he got saved and I rededicated my life back to Christ. We were both on fire for 4 years and everything was okay. We did have problems with intertwining our children and his ex-wife. When my daughter, which is his stepdaughter rebelled in high school because she wanted to date my husband got discouraged. The boy my daughter wanted to date came to church and got saved and baptized. They went to the teen leaders and said theyd follow the Christian dating and wanted help. The teen leaders said they couldnt date and they stopped going to church. This led to my husband feeling like a failure. He strayed from church and went back to the bottle. He then had the desire to move back to Philadelphia and I strongly objected asking him to check out other areas. We wouldve move to another area but my husband felt the strong desire to please his father so we moved to New Jersey as a compromise which is only 15 minutes from Philly. My husband started having an affair with his fathers sisters best friend and noone intervened until I went to his mom telling her he wasnt coming home at night. Everyone acted like they didnt know what was going on and they started helping but they all knew. My husband untimately ended the affair and seemed to come back around to being my husband. What I didnt know was that he had also started using prescription pills which he was introduced to by his cousins. I wasnt aware because I didn't know the signs. His cousin told me about his use 7 months into his addiction and told me the signs to look out for, never telling me that she was one of the ones supplying him. She sat me down with her mother and told me she would never sell him any of her pills because she knew how they affected him and that he took too many. He had two car accidents and I didn't know then that he had taken pills. All his family knew and noone warned me what was going on because he was buying them pills and giving them money and that would cut off their supply. When I became aware of his addiction I immediately called our former church in Syracuse New york and informed them and asked for help. They gave us the local church here and we contacted them. My husband called the church and rededicated his life and we went to church on Sunday, March 6th. They told him he needed rehab, he said okay. They also arranged for him to come to Thursday night chemical recovery classes but said he had to change his work schedule because the classes were in the evenings. He immediately applied for a day shift and was hired on the spot. This was Tuesday. Tuesday evening, March 8th he went to work as usual and after work called me saying he wanted to stop by his parents because he hadnt seen them in a few days. He did go by there but also stopped by his cousing house before coming home and she sold him oxycontin pills for $4o per pill, 3 pills. This is the cousin who vowed not to ever sell him pills. When my husband arrived home I knew right away that he had taken pills because of his behavior. I was furious because he was heading in the right direction and so humble and willing to get help. He went to the kitchen and kept saying I'm sorry to my daughter, thinking she was me. I got up off the couch and said thats aizha. I asked him why he was saying sorry and he just kept saying sorry, he was so out of it. I made him go lay down. I was suffering from the flu myself and didnt feel well. My husband started breathing heavily more than normal around 1:00am. The room was dark and I said to myself turn him over so he doesn't choke if he throws up but I didnt because I said, no hes just sleeping. I felt the need to do that because he had a cousin that died of a drug overdose at 18 and died from vomiting in his sleep. When I woke up in the morning at 7:50am, i was still angry and planned on making my husband got to rehab that day. When I turned over and looked at my husband, he was dead. I called his name, shook hims and then screamed. My immediate thought was I let him die. I found out later from a coroners report that he died due to respiratory distress. His respirations slowed so much that he just stopped breathing. I feel so guilty even though he didnt die from choking on his vomit, he never threw up. I keep thinking if I turned him over instead of assuming he was just snoring maybe I wouldve realized he was having difficulty breathing. I replay that night in my mind over and over again every day around the clock. It's been three months now. Ive contemplated suicide everyday, plagued by the thought to escape the pain. I am a nurse and I even took a couple of pills for the first time trying to understand what he felt and why he became addicted and wanting to die in my sleep like he did. I'm finally past the suicide stage I think, but im so depressed. I want to know, even though Ive been told by two pastors who knew my husband well and knew his heart prior to his death, what is his destiny. Will God forgive someone who had recommitted his life to Christ but couldnt kick his addiction prior to dying? He sincerely wanted to, taking all the steps to get it right and was so sorry the night before he died. What do I do with my guilt. The pain is so intense sometimes that I cant even breathe. I miss my husband so much, why did God bring him home to me that night. Didn't God know what I would do? Why couldnt he just have my husband have and accident or something and someone who wouldve not been immune to the situation wouldve been more alarmed at the signs and got him help unlike what I did. Please answer these questions. Is there some reason God had me go through this? I there some special calling? Help Help Help Help Help Help Help Help Help.

Customer (name blocked for privacy)

they say God sends only the strong sickness and problems.First of all I believe probably that night your husband mixed onycontin with the alcohol which labored his breathing,and making his heart stop.You didnt do it.Whether you turned him over or not it was his time.There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.Drugs and pills especially oxycontin would or can kill anyone.It sounds to me that your husband had a addictive personality and my guess is that he had serious mental problems.I lost my 2 sisters with cancer ,one was 7,one was 33.The 33 year old wanted to die in my arms.While she was on chemo,I called all around the world every cancer specialist just trying to find something to save her.Its been 10 years and every now and then I say did I call this doctor or that one.But deep down I knew nothing would have saved her.I think when we blame ourselves for another persons shortcomings,its the human part of us all .Somehow our psyche says we should take on anothers pain as us failing.When you are depressed or lose a loved one,taking on why did I not do this or that is our way of mourning and suffering.I strongly suggest you join a bereavement group,which Im sure is in your church or your clergy may know.Also get some therapy for yourself.Im sure your husband deep down would not want you to blame yourself.I say God took him for a reason,perhaps his addiction would of gotten worse or he suffer a stroke and be a vegetable.You ask why did you not die.After losing my sisters and being ill myself,I say I was left here for a purpose andthe reason Im sent such a tragedy bis because the Lord knows I will handle it.If you think about all you've been through,you've got to know your a strong person and you are the only one that could handle all this.;Please dont blame yourself.Seek help,and know your husband is looking down upon you.Its he who gives you the strength you have now to go on ,and enjoy your life until you meet again.Please consider therapy or a bereavemeng group.Youre a nurse and apparently you are able to take care of others,thats why you're here.In a way you were a nurse to your husband by being there for him.Its just that the Lord felt he was not strong enough to lick his problems and so he took him.Things happen for reasons none of us know.I suggest you read a book,I forget the author but its called into the light,which explains what its like in heaven.You may find it helpful in knowing your husband is no longer in pain,fighting his addiction which was stronger that him.Take care and Remember You are strong.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM CRYING SO DEEPLY RIGHT NOW, MAINLY BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I LEANED ON A FRIENDS SHOULDERS AND THEY POURED OUT THEIR HEART TO ME. YOUR WORDS WERE SO HELPFUL. I WILL DEFINATELY GET INTO GRIEF COUNSELING RIGHT AWAY SO THAT I CAN GET SOME HELP WITH SORTING THROUGH THE FEELINGS I HAVE AND GETTING THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE ON MY GUILT. YOUR ANSWER WAS LIKE TALKING DIRECTLY TO AN ANGEL. I AM SO HAPPY FOR MY HUSBAND BECAUSE HE IS SO PRESCIOUS TO ME SO I KNOW HOW PRECIOUS HE IS TO GOD. I KNOW AS TIME GOES ON GOD WILL DELIVER ME AND USE THIS TRAGEDY FOR HIS GLORY. I LOVE GOD SO MUCH. I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO ANSWER ME. WHAT WOULD THE WORLD DO WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. I WILL GO CRY A LOT BUT IT IS NOT UNTO DEATH, IT IS UNTO SLOWLY HEALING. THANKS!

thank you for your reply and prayers. I know eventually ill be able to smile again and not feel so much pain. My husband was also a nurse and we had went to nursing school together. I never thought he would use prescription pills, we worked in the field for 5 years prior to moving here in the same building and he never touched pills. God will reveal his purpose in time. i just have to find a way to get rid of the pain. Thank you once again and i will contact a bereavement group.

if there is anyone who would like to reply to my question please do

Hello

You may also want to contact Alanon. It is for people who love alcoholics and drug abusers. It is to help them and teach them how to cope. It is spiritually based in the 12 steps of recovery.

Here is another site that may help you:

Nurses in Recovery:

http://brucienne.com/nir/

It is for anyone in the health profession who is in recovery and also for those who love them.

You are in my prayers

Kerry

Wow. First of all, I am very sorry about the horror's you have been through.

You should not blame yourself at all. You seem to have been more then supportive of your husband and tried to get him to help himself, but he was just unable.

I have a couple of scriptures that I think will help you.

Romans 5 :6-8 - 6 For, indeed, Christ, while we were yet weak, died for ungodly men at the appointed time. 7 For hardly will anyone die for a righteous [man]; indeed, for the good [man], perhaps, someone even dares to die. 8 But God recommends his own love to us in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus died for all our sins -- through that death we have the ability to be forgiven and declared righteous even though we are all sinners. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Your husband was a lot like the apostle Paul -- if you remember he battled the desire of the flesh and he said at Romans 7:21 :

21 I find, then, this law in my case: that when I wish to do what is right, what is bad is present with me. 22 I really delight in the law of God according to the man I am within, 23 but I behold in my members another law warring against the law of my mind and leading me captive to sin’s law that is in my members. 24Miserable man that I am! Who will rescue me from the body undergoing this death? 25 Thanks to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So, then, with [my] mind I myself am a slave to God’s law, but with [my] flesh to sin’s law.

He may have really wanted to change and may have really worked hard at doing so, that is what you need to cling to. His desire to serve god faithfully and to make you and his family happy.

As far as the guilt you are feeling. This is natural, but unnecessary. You are no more responsible for his death then if he had been hit by a comet and died. You were there with him and you supported him and he loved you for that, and like Hebrews 6:10 say --10 For God is not unrighteous so as to forget YOUR work and the love YOU showed for his name, in that YOU have ministered to the holy ones and continue ministering.

It may be very hard for you to forgive yourself. We are usually the ahrdest on ourselves -- but think about 1 John 3:19,20 :19By this we shall know that we originate with the truth, and we shall assure our hearts before him 20 as regards whatever our hearts may condemn us in, because God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.

God is greater then your heart and knows the pain you feel and does not blame you for your husbands death, and niether should you.

Your husband has a wonderful hope for him laid out in the bible.

Was he a sinner while he was alive -- yes - we all are, but look at what Romans says about that : Romans 6:23 - 23 For the wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life by Christ Jesus our Lord.

Your husbands sins have been paid for, by his death. Now he is safely in the memory of Jehovah who will resurrect him after his kingdom is established on the earth.

John 5:28,29 - 28 Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

Acts 24:15 - 15 and I have hope toward God, which hope these [men] themselves also entertain, that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.

Rev 20:13,14 13 And the sea gave up those dead in it, and death and Ha´des gave up those dead in them, and they were judged individually according to their deeds. 14 And death and Ha´des were hurled into the lake of fire. This means the second death, the lake of fire.

So you see, even those who would be considered "unrighteous" will be given a ressurrection and with that a second chance to have the life that they tried so desperately to have before.

You can see your husband again, the bible promises that through the ressurrection.

I hope that this has helped comfort you in some small way.

Edited by darthweef on July 14 2005 at 12:17 AM

thank you for your diligent search of approprate scriptures to give me. They truly did help. The incredible thing is that my husband loved the apostle Paul and often marvelled at his diligence. It is good to know that there are people out there who take the time to respond to people in their plight. I just need spiritual and emotional healing now because all i do is cry and i will find a program where i can get intense therapy. thank you so much and God bless you.

Dear Customer (name blocked for privacy),

Which was the most important part of your husband to you--his death or his life?

I assume his life. That was the part of himself that he shared with you and loved you with the most. That good part, that pure part, is not dead--it's went on to another more perfect life in the realm of heaven . . . and it continues to dwell in you, in your heart and mind and soul.

Try not to focus so much upon his death because that was just one moment in a life that you spent many happy years with. If you want to think of him, then think of the wonderful times that you two got to spend together. Those are the moments that define BOTH of your lives.

As for blaming yourself for his death, don't do that to yourself. Your husband chose the path he went down. You tried numerous times to save him, but sometimes you can't save a person unless he wants to be saved. Even though he lost his battle with his personal demons, that doesn't mean that his life or his death was in vain.

Take comfort in knowing that the love you two shared was probably the closest thing he ever came to experiencing heaven on Earth. You gave him the happiness and sanity that he obviously never got from his biological family. Even in the end, you were with him. He wasn't alone (physically) because you were beside him as you had been for all of your marriage together, and he wasn't alone (spiritually) because an angel was there to lead him up to heaven to be cradled forever in the mercy and beauty of God's love.

God is not vengeful. He knows what is truly in a person's heart, just as he knew what was truly in your husband's heart in the end--I'm sure it was love, love for you and your life together and peace because he would be happy forever.

It wasn't until February of this year that I truly understood what it was like to wish a deceased loved one well. For the first time, I genuinely felt joy for my Grandfather when he passed away. I knew that he was far happier now than he had been for all the years passed when he had been ill and sick and truly unhappy.

Your husband doesn't feel pain anymore, and if he was here right now, standing beside you--what do you think he would say to you? I'm pretty sure that it would NOT be "Mourn me forever and be unhappy." He doesn't want that for you and neither does God.

God is extending a lifeline right now to you through the use of this website. Take his hand and get the help that you need--go to grief counseling and make sure you share with your counselor about all of the semi-destructive behavior that you've displayed for these past few months. He or she needs to know so he/she can help you in these specific areas.

I don't know if you've ever seen the following poem, but I thought I'd post it for you to read just in case:

Do not Stand and Weep

Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain

When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the stars that shine in the night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die

author unknown - commonly attributed to several sources

I love this poem because to me it reflects life everlasting. The important part of the person passes out of the more restrictive physical body and is free to be one with everything. God is everywhere, and when we die we can be everywhere with him. God wants us to be happy, so he lets us visit the ones we love whenever we want. When you have a particularly vivid dream of your loved one, then that's his way of letting you know that he's okay, and that he will always hold you dearly in his heart until you can both be together again--preferably fifty or more years from now, though.

Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, and don't make your husband's life all about his death. You know that there was more to him than that. Think only about the happy times, and let the rest of that stuff go. Do what your husband couldn't--find the strength inside your soul to save yourself. Think of your children if that helps. Don't let the last things they remember about you be those of sadness and guilt because they couldn't have been better children and saved YOU!

As you can see, it's a cycle that can continue on and on unless you decide to break it first. If you don't feel that you're strong enough, then turn to God in prayer for HE can heal all ills and He alone can make your life worth living again . . . if you trust Him enough to let him.

I hope for your sake that you do. Good luck and God bless you, my dear.

Mic Sayre

Reply to Michele Sayre's Post: your direct approach gave me a lot to think about i had never looked at it the way you put it that his life meant more than his death. that is so very true. he indeed was a great man who always strived for excellence and was very rsponsible with his priorities. i realize now that his death was but a fragment of who he was and that i do him jusstice by honoring his memory. you are so right when you said that i can break the cycle because ive been so distraught that my 19 year old daughter who was home the morning i found my husband dead beside me when i woke uo told me thaqt if i kill myself shes going too. she can tell where my head was at so yes i choose to live and with Gods help and much prayers and counseling i willsmile ane be whole again to continue the path God has laid before me thank you so much

Reply to Stephen's Post: my husband loved the apostle paul and often admired his diligence in trying in spite of his weaknesses so i is amazing that you chose those scriptures of comfort. that lets me know that God was with you when you responded to my quetion. thank you so muxh. i have started a website in memory of my wonderful huwband, memory-of-john-whitmore-1968-2005.com appreaciate your response, god bless you

Thank you for your kind words. As you probably guessed, I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and while I am not in your area, many Witnesses are. We have a wonderful brochure that can help you immensly called "When Someone you Love Dies..."

I would reccommend you seek out the local congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses and request a copy of that brochure. It can help you find scriptures in your bible that will help you through this.

I think you can also request a copy from our website. http://www.watchtower.org

It is of course free of charge.

Reply to Kerry's Post: i appreciate you saying that because i am so terrified everytime i go to work which i deal with pills everday. i am terrified because for the first time in my life i get this overwhelming desire to take pills even to death and i am very scared i may not be able to control that desire one day. i was never addicted to anything before but since my husbands death i feel i could go that path just wanting to understand what was so strong it made him lose control and give into pills and become addicted. most times i dont even care if i die i just want to experience what he felt and talk to him.

Reply to Stephen's Post: i went on the website and tried to order but didnt know how so i will contact my local kingdom hall to get one thanks1

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Reply to Karel1's Post: thank you i am going to buy that book into the light today. i am ready now to understand that my wonderful husband is not coming back and that i need to appreciate that he is not suffering anymore and he is in Gods hands.

Dear Customer (name blocked for privacy),

I'm glad that I was able to help you look at your husband's death in a different way.

As hard as grieving and sorrow are on us after our loved ones are gone, the truth is that they don't care about that stuff anymore. The only thing that they remember to focus on is the love that they shared with the people they left behind.

So that leaves the rest of us who are still on the Earth plane with the task of getting on with the business of living. I'm glad that you started a website for your husband--it will give you and your children a focal point upon which to focus on the good parts of your husband's life.

As for trying the same drugs as your husband tried so that you can understand why he gave into them, the simple fact is that you will never be able to experience the same things he did while he was on the drugs. The sum of our lives cannot be passed on to someone else. What he felt depended on every moment, every interaction he had made with family, friends, strangers, etc., throughout his life. Your life experiences will lead you into a different area of experience, and why would you want to do that to yourself anyway?

You know how much your husband wanted to quit, but he just didn't have the tools to succeed that you do. I strongly feel that your husband's descent had a lot to do with the fact that he had returned to his family and then his life seemed to spiral down from there. You must have suspected that something like this would happen because you had tried repeatedly to talk him out of moving closer to his family, so you knew what they were like.

If anyone is responsible for his death, then it is these people, NOT you. The sad part, though, is that they may not have even known what they were doing. My father's family is like this--passing on generations of pain to each successive generation. These people are greedy, self-centered, and they spend most of their time tearing each other down rather than lifting each other up.

I truly feel for your husband because I know that under different circumstances, his life could have been mine. There have been numerous times in my life when the harshest and hardest blows made to my mind and heart were blows delivered by my family. Your husband had this happen to him. His cousin's actions were inexcusable and shortsighted and downright malicious.

But none of that matters now. The simple fact is that life is too precious to just throw it away. Your husband was driven to his death by his own personal demons, but you don't have to make those demons your own. You don't have to give in feelings of suicide that will take you far from the light of God--not because you'll go to hell if you succeed, but because you will have turned your back on the one thing that can save you now--love: love of God, love of family, love of life, and love of self.

Pretend that you are a hurting ten-year-old girl. You're lost and alone and in so much pain that you decide that maybe it would be easier, less painful to give up. What kind of advice would you give to that beautiful and lost little girl? Would you try to stop her? Would you try to comfort her? What would you tell her?

Now tell those things to yourself, and then you will know that you possess inside yourself all the knowledge that you need to save your life and that of your family's. The reason for this is because we are all part of God. God is in our thoughts and our hearts. When we leave the door open to communicate with him, then life is worth living and we know what it is like to truly shine the beauty of God's mercy and love out into the world.

Be well and take care of yourself, and most importantly--give God the chance to save you and your family.

Mic Sayre

Reply to Michele Sayre's Post: thank you. you are so right. God is now placing in my heart adoption because I love children and want to give back. I know i must get counseling and therapy first so i can be whole again and now have demons attacking my mind, i want to surrender all that stuff to God so he can renew my mind. My husbands life was so much more than his death and he deserves me to carry on in life as well as his memory. I will never forget him and all that he stood for and all his passions and dreams. He was always so gentle with children and everybody loved him, he never made one enemy! thank you and God bless you

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