Hi Ray,
Let's talk man-to-man, OK?
Your fiancé's kids are brats -- plain and simple. That said, they
didn't get that way completely on their own. Here's what I mean:
Their mom 'doing for them' has spoiled them -- because they were never taught respect, let alone how to be grateful.
Like most kids of divorce, they have learned how to 'play' their
parents -- they are after the best deal they can get -- which right now
looks like living with their dad. By the way, you're probably
right about dad wanting the daughter to move in with him, in order to get out of paying
child-support.
Also, like most kids of divorce, they are angry with her mom from having
someone in her life -- it doesn't matter whether their mom and dad were
happy together or not -- at a primal level, kids believe that their
parents should be together -- and they probably won't outgrow this attitude.
Because of this attitude, your fiancé's children see you as an
interloper -- and probably always will. The fact that you are a lot older
than their mother only makes things worse. Yes, they need
disciplinarian -- but they will never 'buy into' you being in that role.
So who does that leave to mind the store? Forget Dad -- he has
sold his soul by taking the easy way out with his kids -- his main
concern is to not be the one they are hassling -- and, if his
ex-wife is made more miserable in the bargain -- so much the better.
Well, how about their mother? If she is the selfless person you
say she is -- no doubt she is carrying a lot of guilt about her
children -- it doesn't matter whether the guilt is earned -- or
not. Kids 'smell' guilt like a dog smells fear -- and these brats
are not above using their mom's guilt to manipulate her. In other
words, your fiancée is unlikely to become an effective disciplinarian for
her children -- at least until season hockey tickets go on sale in a very, very hot
climate.
Please know that I am not saying that your fiancée is a bad person -- I
am also not saying that she doesn't love you -- but, for good or bad --
because of the family history involved and because of the type of
person your fiancée is -- her children will, in all likelihood, always
be a a higher priority with her than you are. You need to know
that going in.
One final -- and very important -- note of caution... -- because your
fiancé's 13-year-old daughter is living in your house -- you are a
prime target for being accused (by the daughter) of sexual and/or physical abuse.
Do not -- under any circumstances -- ever be alone with her, not even
in the car. Also, as I've said before you should not bethe one to
discipline -- but if you do, make very sure that you never lay a hand
(or anything else) on her -- if you do, no matter how good your
intentions, you could easily live to regret it.
I strongly recommend that you and your fiancé get some counseling --
and while you're at it, ask the counselor about the possibility of
family counseling -- involving you, your fiancé, and her daughter.
Let me know if you need more input. If not, thanks for the
opportunity to assist you... Please honor my efforts by pushing the
green 'Accept' button (located within this post -- above-right).
Adding a bonus -- should you wish to do so -- would be warmly welcomed.
Good Luck!
Steve
Edited by Oreport on October 6 2005 at 6:25 AM
Counselor /listener/collaborative problem solver. Thanks!