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Two timer gets married
Sent to Relationship Experts September 14 02:31 PM

Last spring, I found out the guy I was seeing was involved with someone else. We were serious, and he wanted to marry me (we were involved for 3 years, new GF was on the scene I found out for about a year). I confronted him and told her what was up, but she didn't believe me, and he totally denied me in front of her. Said I was "crazy" and that none of what I was saying was true. I couldn't believe that a guy who swore his love and undying devotion to me totally cut me off at the knees for this other woman, and it hurt like hell. As soon as that happened, he got engaged to her... I just found out they got married a weeks ago, went through with it (saw their announcement in the paper). Two weeks before the wedding he had emailed me and tried to strike up a conversation! I ignored him. Then found out later he was about to get married... Needless to say, I'm really stunned and angry and confused. I feel like an idiot. Also, she and her family and his family think I'm some insane weirdo because HE denies having been with me, says I made it all up... and I feel just terrible. This is a small town and I can't believe I'm taking the fall for this. Can anyone offer some kind words of advice?   

Customer (name blocked for privacy)
Status:  Closed   Value: $5
Answer
September 14 4:29 PM (1 hour and 58 minutes and 26 seconds later)
         
ACCEPTEDCheck Mark
 The family is believing what they want to believe and he is very convincing.  He must be a great manipulator because he was able to manipulate you and you read like an intelligent person.  You will feel many emotions through the grief process. In the end you will feel relieved for having lost the relationship and pity for the other woman as he will probably do the same to her.  This man is a coward and liar that you should be happy to be rid of. He is doing what it takes to protect this new relationship, including degrading you.  I can recommend a good book that is on sale at amazon.com called: "How to survive the loss of a love."  It is a cheap easy read and very comforting.  My warmest regards to you!  Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Help and Hope from advanced practice nurse and therapist, honest intelligent answers.
Picturenursehope -- Nurse (RN) -- 100% Positive Feedback on 25 Relationship Accepts
Therapist w/ > 20 yrs. experience working w/ adults & teens w/ relationship & communication issues
Answer
September 14 4:36 PM (6 minutes and 18 seconds later)
         
REPLIEDCheck Mark
It appears that NurseHope and I were working on our answers simultaneously.  She has given you good advice.  I hope my advice will serve to reinforce it.

There is no doubt that your former boyfriend treated you unfairly -- and, that this has left you in a difficult position regarding your reputation.

Frankly, even I find it hard to believe parts of your situation (assuming I have understood you correctly) -- here's what I mean:

While I can understand the girlfriend (now wife and her family) believing his denial of having been with you -- how is it possible that HIS family believes this?  Surely his family was aware of his relationship with you if it went on for three years.

Be that as it may, as the old saying goes: 'A leopard can't change its spots'.  His 'true nature' is likely to show itself before too long.  I mean, how likely is it that he will be able to remain faithful to a wife when he was unable to remain faithful to a girlfriend?

Patiently await the day when his 'spots' start showing up.  This news too  will travel fast around your small-town -- and you will be vindicated -- without fanfare perhaps -- but vindicated nonetheless.

Until then... keep quiet...

Further efforts to protest and defend yourself will likely be seen as desperation and 'proof' that you are crazy.

Oh... it would be a kindness to pray for the bride... she is the one who is really 'taking the fall'...

Good Luck!
 

Edited by Oreport on September 14 2004 at 4:40 PM

Counselor /listener/collaborative problem solver. Thanks!
PictureSteve -- a.k.a. Oreport -- Master's Degree Counselor -- 100% Positive Feedback on 23 Relationship Accepts
I tell you what I believe you need to hear (not what you may wish to hear) regarding relationships.
Reply
September 15 12:15 AM (7 hours and 39 minutes and 21 seconds later)
         
Response to Oreport's Post: Hi, and thanks for your answer. I was hurt that you doubted me... after all, the whole crux of my problem is that I am not being believed here, and it felt cruel that you would pick at or try to discredit the summary I've posted here. I am upset, and the whole story is very long and labyrinthine, but I've done my best to boil it down to the basics for this forum -- anyway, maybe something to keep in mind for your clients, that sometimes having someone hear them and believe them is very valuable. No hard feelings, and thanks for the reassurance about the future.
Customer (name blocked for privacy)
Answer
September 15 9:27 AM (9 hours and 12 minutes and 19 seconds later)
         
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Picturenursehope -- Nurse (RN) -- 100% Positive Feedback on 25 Relationship Accepts
Therapist w/ > 20 yrs. experience working w/ adults & teens w/ relationship & communication issues
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September 16 1:16 AM (15 hours and 48 minutes and 36 seconds later)
         
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PictureElenaMarie -- Happily Married 22 years -- 100% Positive Feedback on 1 Relationship Accepts
Have Experienced Pain and Heartache of Past Relationships.Learned alot!
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September 20 1:16 AM (4 days later)
         
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Convulted -- have expierienced alot in life -- Expert's Profile
i have been through enough to have a general idea on how to deal with pain and happieness
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