How old are you and your boyfriend?

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Counselor /listener/collaborative problem solver. Thanks!

 Do you feel theres something missing that having a child would replace? Do you fear losing him in any sort of way? What sort of emotions do you have when you sit and really think about this?

Dear Natasha,

There is no age limit on love. I'm sure that it feels just as wonderful at 16 as it does at 80.

I don't have any doubts that you love your young man, but I do have some serious doubts about your motivations. Your reasons for wanting a child seem a little bit desperate. I think that you're worried that his parents might try to break you both up since they don't care for you, and I think that wanting to have a child is your way (and his) of ensuring that this doesn't happen.

The decision for making a baby should be done for all the right reasons (because you two love each other, are in a committed relationship with each other, and are in a position to provide your child with all the things he/she needs--by this I'm not just talking about the financial aspect of having a baby, I'm also talking about the emotional aspect as well.)

Having a child is such a great responsibility. Even though I don't have any kids of my own, I have worked with children for over fifteen years, and I'll be honest with you--the person I am now is completely different from the person I was when I was your age. If I'd had a child then, I'm sure that I would have loved him/her and taken care of him/her to the best of my ability, but it would have been a poor substitute for having a child now.

I've learned to be a better person through the years by dealing with my problems (At least my child won't end up with as many hangups as my parents passed on to me.) and learning to control my temperament and gaining patience and understanding (Another advantage of age and experience).

If you find out that you're not pregnant, then use that as a sign from the universe telling you two to go out and enjoy your lives. You're young and in love, and that's the greatest feeling in the world. Enjoy it with all your hearts and put the whole baby issue on hold for a while. Why make yourselves grow up sooner than you have to? You have the rest of your lives to get pregnant and have kids, so don't be in such a rush.

Enjoy your youth and your freedoms. If I knew back then what I know now, believe me, I would have enjoyed my life a lot more. That's not saying that I can't start now, but it's just not the same. When you're young, you have an optimism and an energy that gets reshaped into experience and wisdom as you get older (for some people anyway).

Be well and be happy. My best to you both!

Mic Sayre

 It's wonderful to be inlove, no matter what age.  It sounds as though you and your boyfriend have discussed this and made a decision. But I can't help but wonder if you have taken everything into consideration with having a child.  You both already have outside stress on your relationship with the parent situation and unless that is resolved, it will in turn place stress your relationship.   While you and your boyfriend were discussing having children,  did you also discuss how you would support the child and what if the child is born with a medical problem that requires surgery and a long hospital stay.  Such was the case in my family.  The child at 7 days old had to have open heart surgery and open heart surgery again at 13 months.  This also can place a great deal of stress on the 2 of you.   Having children is a wonderful thing, not to be taken lightly.    Having a child will not assure you that you and your boyfriend will stay together forever, nor will it bring his parents around to accepting your relationship.  In fact, it may worsen it.  I do wish you both happiness and I wish you both the best of whatever comes...  If in fact you are carrying a child,  I would sit down and talk with your parents,  think everything through carefully as to how you will support your child,  health care and coverage,  where you will live,  what your income will be and plan accordingly with the baby coming first.  Be sure to have good pre-natel care and take care of yourself also.  

Dear Natasha,

I'm glad that your mother now knows that you are sexually active. Does this also mean that you told her that she might also be a grandparent? I hope so.

I understand, in a way, why you want to have a child (or at least I can imagine). The first reason is because you love your boyfriend so much that you want to give him the ultimate expression of love (as you see it). The second reason is that a baby ties two people together forever--it is a bond that can never be broken. The last reason is that you would like to have someone to love and who will love you back unconditionally.

Babies are cute, but babies also grow up at a very fast rate. They also cost a heck of a lot of money. Do yourself a favor and check out the following website: www.surebaby.com/costs.php

It talks about the costs that you're going to have to shell out for your baby--all the way into college. The following is a small excerpt from the site (There is still a lot more to check out on the website!):

"Costs of Having a Baby

You thought the home pregnancy test was expensive! The costs of raising a baby to age 18 costs between $125,000-$250,000 and that?s not including college tuition! In your baby?s first year alone, you can easily spend between $9,000-$11,000 (for diapers, formula, baby furniture, clothing, baby gear, etc.) If you go back to work right away, childcare can cost as much as $3,000-$4,500 in your baby?s first year. If you can stay home with your baby, you can save money."

Normal vaginal delivery in the hospital--$5,000 to $8,000. A cesarean is up to $12,000. Disposable diapers can cost somewhere between $1600 and $2300. Formula can cost anywhere between $1000 to $2300. That's not even getting into all the baby gear you're going to need (listed on the site).

Natasha, if you are lucky enough to find out that your not pregnant, then thank your lucky stars that you still have a chance to live your life. There will be plenty of time later for babies and bills, but you're young yet, and you really should try to enjoy your life.

If you get pregnant now, the chances of you finishing high school will go down tremendously. (Unless you make a point of finishing high school or at least getting your GED, then the chances of getting a decent job go down tremendously as well, and then how are you going to support yourself or your baby?)

If you have a baby, say bye bye to all that free time to hang out with friends, including your boyfriend. Either he (or perhaps you as well) will have to deal with bills and the costs of raising a child. You will have to deal with lots of stress, very little sleep, and feelings of inadequacy of whether you're a good mother or not (and don't think that you won't go through this--EVERY MOTHER on the face of the planet does at one time or another!)

Look, I'm not trying to put you completely off having a baby, but I want you to realize just how much this decision can affect your life AND the life of your child. I'm not saying that you have to be rich or well off to have a child, but I can't deny the fact that having some money put aside will help your situation tremendously.

I came from a poor family, and frankly, I sometimes wished that my parents had planned better than they did. Not because I wanted or needed more things (not that we had a lot to begin with), but because then they wouldn't have had to work so hard doing often horrible jobs to provide for me. Along with those sucky jobs came sucky hours. If you were to ask my mother, she would definitely agree that I had pretty much raised myself. It's not that she didn't want to be there for me either; it's just that to even survive, she had to work to support us kids (My dad did, too). I personally would have given anything to have had more time with them if there had been a choice.

So, if it's not too late, if you find out your not pregnant, and you and your boyfriend decide that you still would like to create a family together, then at least wait until you have both graduated from high school. That will give you both time to start saving money and make some real, long-range plans, which will only help you lead the best possible life in the long run.

If you find out that you're pregnant, then I wish you both all the best. The next few months will be some of the most hectic of your life. If I were you, I would immediately see about getting your GED (you can use your pregnancy as time to study for it in). Along with the Lamaze classes, why don't you see about taking a parenting class (your boyfriend, too). I would definitely recommend taking a CPR class (Do it early in your pregnancy while you can still bend down easily to work on the mannequins--definitely get your boyfriend to take the class as well.) It wouldn't hurt to take a part-time job for a few months so that you can save up some money for the baby before he/she comes.

I really do wish you all the best!

Mic Sayre